Is Your Parenting a Success ?

 
By Rey Moreno
Pickering, Ontario-Canada
February 3, 2020
 


“If the next time’s not PERFECT, I’m going to TAKE ALL YOUR STUFFED ANIMALS AND BURN THEM." Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom.

According to Wikepedia, there are 3 styles of parenting, depending on the degree of control that the parents exert. The first one is the authoritarian or strict parenting where the parents demand absolute obedience to what they think represents the best interests for their kids. Children are pressed hard to follow and get punished for failure. The author of the quotation above is a prime example of this parenting style. Though she’s being criticized for her meanness, it’s difficult to argue against the success of her parenting skills. Her two daughters, Sophia and Lulu, turn out to be high achievers in their respective endeavours.

The second style of parenting is naturally the opposite of strict parenting. Wikipedia calls it indulgent parenting (but I will call it liberal parenting instead). This parenting style is prevalent in Western societies. Parents and educators are very sensitive of the children’s self-esteem, so they are allowed to develop in accordance with their temperament. Parents are very supportive and provide all the tools their children need to succeed. But they won’t impose their will as strongly as the strict parents.

The last parenting style, as you may have anticipated, is the neglectful parenting. Parents don’t pay any attention to their kids nor care about how they develop. The children are pretty much on their own to succeed in life.

Now that we have dispensed with the categories, how does society measure the effectiveness of the parenting style? The ones that come to mind are, of course, based on results: high paying jobs, steady careers, comfortable lifestyles, good reputation, large houses, and celebrity status. These are but a few of the embodiments of success that these children will have to aspire. But how much of the success is due to effective parenting style?

For Amy Chua, the strict parenting is evidently the most effective of all. Otherwise, she could have not written a book to gloat about it. Most Asians, especially the Chinese and Japanese, subscribe to this style of raising their kids. In a patriarchal society, the line “father knows best” is an absolute principle. Most Filipino fathers, however, once they set foot in Western societies, lose their patriarchal status. I’m not a social scientist, but I think the reason for the decline is the entry of Filipino mothers to the workforce. By contributing to the family income, Filipino mothers have earned equality in relation to their husbands.

Asian children, born or raised in Western societies, subsequently adapt to the Western values. Though the Asian parents can still be strict and demanding, they will have to be ready for a battle. In her book, Amy Chua describes the infightings she had with her daughters to make them develop their talents. Filipino parents, on the other hand, avoid conflicts as much as possible and want to have peace at home, especially on the weekends for their much-needed relaxation and rest.  As long as they show an effort to succeed and a modicum of respect, Filipino children will have their parents in a bind. Filipinos are strong believers of family ties and very forgiving just to keep the family relationship intact.

When our daughter was growing up, we wanted her (just like most parents) to develop some hidden talents and learn a few basic skills for an active life. We registered her for ballet lessons. She quit after one session. We pushed her for swimming lessons. She persevered and could swim the length of a pool twice and float for several minutes as well. I tried to teach her how to bike, but she was having a hard time with her balance. One day while playing with friends she just rode her bike without falling. From then on, she could ride her bike without my assistance.

 She loved her piano lessons. Unlike Amy Chua, we didn’t push her hard to practice for at least 3 hours daily. There was no punishment for failure to practice. She passed the required examinations of the Royal Conservative Music in order to move into higher grades. She didn’t get an invitation to perform at the Carnegie Hall but managed to last up to Grade 12.

In terms of our daughter’s academic achievements, she handled them on her own. She knew how to manage her time for studies. When she graduated from high school, she received an Honour Roll diploma for maintaining an average of 80% or higher, and a Cardinal Carter Award for being an honour student for four years. She applied for and got accepted by 3 universities and one of them was even offering a small scholarship stipend. But she chose the one closer to home — the University of Toronto. After obtaining her Bachelor of Science Honours degree, she was hired full-time as a laboratory technician for the University of Toronto’s medical research foundation whose funding mandate is to search for the cure of Alzheimer and Parkinson’s disease. She’s happy and contented to have a job and has no more plans or ambitions to move up the career ladder.

After a year or so of working full-time, our daughter gave us a short notice that she’s moving out of the house. She would be living in a rental condo, about 25 minutes away from us. She kept her decision closed to her vest after she signed the rental agreement and notified us less than a month before moving in to her rented condo.  Then she decided to buy a one-bedroom condo in downtown Toronto to be close to her work. We took a loan and gifted it to her as a down payment to help her make the monthly mortgage payment affordable. 

When compared to Amy Chua’s daughters, our daughter is definitely ranked below them. Perhaps a strict parenting could have achieved what Amy Chua called the virtuous circle. She said, in virtuous circle “children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist…Tenacious practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something — whether it’s math, piano, pitching, or ballet — he or she gets praise, admiration, and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-for activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.”

In spite of Amy Chua’s claim of a success story for using the strict parenting style, I’m still not convinced that it’s the most effective of them all. Much of the success factors do depend on the child’s personality. Bill Clinton, for example, embodies the liberal parenting style, yet he’s more than a success compared to Amy Chua’s daughters. Who knows really what goes on a child’s head?

Several years ago I received a birthday card from my daughter with these lines: “If you ever find yourself wondering if I still need you the way I did when I was growing up, or if I ever think about the little things and special times we used to share…The answer will always be yes, Dad, because no matter how many years go by, inside my heart will always be the little girl who loves and needs her dad.”

Did we fail as parents for relying on liberal parenting simply because our daughter is not a high achiever?

Before concluding her book, Amy Chua wrote, “the ultimate proof of the superiority of Chinese parenting is how the children end up feeling about their parents. Despite their parents’ brutal demands, verbal abuse, and disregard for their children’s desires, Chinese kids end up adoring and respecting their parents and wanting to care for them in their old age.” That’s the kind of measure I prefer — the forging of great relationship that will last a lifetime.

When we started as parents it was, of course, a trial by fire. Because she’s the only child, our daughter got either the best or worst care due to our lack of experience. Still we developed a skill set which could serve as a guide when our daughter would be a parent too. The question, though, is: Will she rely on our experience?

I have observed some grandparents complain about their kids dismissing their parenting skills. Kids have long memories about their parents’ flaws in raising them. So grandparents are relegated to the role of babysitters. All those learned parenting skills wasted for good. Perhaps they should write a book like Amy Chua. In one of our conversations during a festive gathering our friend, who has 2 grandchildren, confided in us what he said to her daughter, “It’s my role to spoil your children; it’s your job to raise and discipline them.”